Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
