Who wears a wallet chain?!
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
