part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
