I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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