woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You ruined the universe
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize