I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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