you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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