if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
