why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
