Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
