i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
