When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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