I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
