all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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