i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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