The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I don't deserve a penis
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
