hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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