my phone needs a breathalizer
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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