I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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