Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i barfeds in our rink
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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