I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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