my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize