a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
