i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
