so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
