Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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