So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
