Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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