1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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