Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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