god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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