Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
