Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
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