Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
