I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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