How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
