hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
