so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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