??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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