I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
