The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize