I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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