He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
