just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
