I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
