im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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