Sry I called you an 8
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
