If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
