Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
