My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
