look no pants
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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