My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize