I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
