I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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