Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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