Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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