I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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