My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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