Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
