This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
